Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Everything hurts right now and nothing is helping because as the pain is getting worse — so is the love.

Never apologize, mister, it’s a sign of weakness.

Hindsight is always zo/20.

Experience is a poor guide to man, and is seldom followed. What really teaches a man is not experience, but observation.

Believe in your dreams. If you don't, who will?

America is the only country ever founded on the printed word.

Posterity will talk of Washington as the founder of a great empire, when my name shall be lost in the vortex of revolution.

right now,I am my father

Your eye is a muscle, you have to keep it in shape and the more you draw, the more you see.

You can’t hate people unless you love them.