President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

We are all capable of loving.

Face it, George – unlike cholera, death is the only disease everyone is guaranteed to get.’Heath nodded slowly. ‘But usually only once, Hamish. Usually only once.

Enlightenment is when a laptop comes to know that it is a laptop.

The real question is, can you love the real me? Not the perfect person you want me to be, not that image you had of me, but who I really am.

As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me that they must be capable of some other form of labor.

I can't stop while there are lives to be saved.

My opinion of a good zombie walk is to loll your head as if it's a little too heavy and the muscles have begun to atrophy.

When I was young, my parents made me listen to old music and watch Jimmy Durante. I fell in love with the whole mystique of acting and entertainment.

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

We have today and hopefully tomorrow to be the best version of ourselves.