President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.

If you have to pay the bills, and you write something you're not proud of, use a pen-name for that.

Beside me the monstrumologist murmured, "I believe I am in hell, therefore I am there.

As Eternity has reckonedThere's a lifetime in a second

I enjoy thelove I receive from my fans and my audience. But I think I know what is realfor me and what is not.

Religion is the belief in future life and in God. I don't believe in either.

So, to prevent fatigue and worry, the first rule is: Rest often. Rest before you get tired.

I spent my life - all my life - learning to wrestle. It's the only means of livelihood I've ever had and, uh, the only gimmick that I have in wrestling is wrestling.

Today, words. Tomorrow, sticks and stones. And the day after that?

Good dialogue illuminates what people are not saying