President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

In nicey-nicey land, you must be happy-clappy and positive all the time - bad news is taboo.

I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles I'm coming slow but speeding

Your idea of bliss is to wake up on a Monday morning knowing you haven't a single engagement for the entire week. You are cradled in a white paper cocoon tied up with typewriter ribbon.

The Lord is in everything that's in creation. So, when you look at a tree, it's really a reflection of God. You see it in other people - that's him too, you know?

In relationships, you learn a million things. I'm sure a therapist can tell you about it.

They who have put out the people's eyes reproach them of their blindness.

It's an entire industry focusing on young male viewers that want action and violence. They sell us something that isn't valid. They're selling films like a product.

Change your thoughts... charge your life.

We didn't do much different against LeBron. We were just more active and more competitive.