President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

People don't place their trust in government or company pension plans they have to be self-reliant.

When I record something, I'll take a drive and just listen

As one went to Europe to see the living past, so one must visit Southern California to observe the future.

And of all glad words of prose or rhyme, The gladdest are Act while there yet is time

Virtue is the roughest way, but proves at night a bed of down.

They were not half living, or quarter living. They were simply so many bags of bones in which sparks of life fluttered faintly.

She wanted out of the decorating scheme.

Well my name Nicki & it's nice to meet ya, if you really wanna know I'll give you my procedure. Got a whole bunch of pretty game in my clique, and we looking for some ballers: alopecia

Believe me, there is no more powerful means to obtain God's grace than to employ the intercessions of the Holy Virgin.

I am the owner of the sphere, Of the seven stars and the solar year, of Caesar's hand, and Plato's brain, Of Lord Christ's heart, and Shakespeare's strain.