President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Gukora icyaha uri wenyine biroroha ariko kuramya Imana wenyine biragora

While pensive poets painful vigils keep, Sleepless themselves, to give their readers sleep.

There is no need for me to worry, I've already been here somany times and each time I have made it throughalive

I only get fat when I eat food cooked by other chefs. At home, my wife does all the cooking. She makes simple things like soups and salads. We both like steamed tofu.

It's fun leading this offense. I don't think we've hit our peak.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

My life could have been so grim really, really grim.

I like action movies! Action movies are awesome.

The turn I made was not the one I planned. And I watched my social standing slip away from me, while I watched the bottle slowly take command.

All decision-making is a values-clarifying exercise.