President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name ... headlights.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

With the strength of God, we shall triumph in any situation.

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

Time Progression: Wasting >>Spending >> Managing >> Investing

You may talk. And I may listen. And miracles might happen.

Children with Autism aren't missing. Instead, they are off making discoveries

Understanding something in one way does not preclude understanding it in other ways.

It seems to me that you would have to write a novel on a very small, intimate scale for it not to become political.

When you find yourself in a position to help someone, be happy because Allah is answering that person’s prayer through you.

The policy of man consists, at first, in endeavoring to arrive at a state equal to that of animals, whom nature has furnished with food, clothing, and shelter.

If you don't have an end game of something delightful, you're just moving chess pieces around.