President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Change can be beautiful

If you have time to get your pet rabbit its own Instagram account, you have time to at least tweet about something important.

Ninety nine percent of the time it's not urgent and to create a culture where you are constantly plugged in and expected to be always-on is to create a culture of burnout.

[Albert Camus] always held a profound commitment [engagement], a real resistance to all totalitarianism.

There are three things being a celebrity is good for: raising money for charity, dinner reservations and tee times.

Until the day we die, our lives are unwritten, which is sometimes a terrifying thought.

Often, the stories are very much like trust falls. You fall, and you hope the story's going to catch you.

It takes far less courage to kill yourself than it takes to wake up one more time. It is harder to stay where you are than to get out.

I think envy motivates a lot of people.

Increases in money supply are what constitute inflation, and a general rise in prices is the symptom.