President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect - telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.

Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.

The real world is not easy to live in. It is rough it is slippery. Without the most clear-eyed adjustments we fall and get crushed.

Happiness real only when shared.

The thing about real life is, when you do something stupid, it normally costs you.

Invest in yourself now and reap the dividends day after day after month after year.

Before, I'd photograph anything. I didn't think there was anything more or less obscene about any part of the body.

A typical rapist is a recidivist.

The mind is the soul's eye, not its source of power. That lies in the heart, in other words, in the passions.

Unfortunately the necessity to promote a film sometimes works against it, in that you are forced to reveal information [about it] that in an ideal world you would hold back.