President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

God not only gives His creatures being and existence, but also, and at every moment, upholds and sustains them in being.

My definition of love is being full. Complete. It makes everything lighter. Beauty is something you see. Love is something you feel.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I'll have a window with a view.

Wherever we are, we can improve our chances of getting ahead by keeping a book in hand

I don't write fantasy, I write reality. Also, my novels have roots to Greek tragedies and as such, there has to be tragedy.

I don't move. I wait behind my log, terrified. Over the past ten minutes, it's become such a dear friend, I consider naming it: Howard, my pet log.

The pain is bad magicians ripping off good ones, doing magic badly, and making a mockery of the art.

I don't think there is anything particularly wrong in hitting a woman, though I don't recommend you do it the same way that you hit a man.

Do I pray? Yes. Prayer is very important to me.

Yogi ordered a pizza. The waitress asked How many pieces do you want your pie cut? Yogi responded, Four. I don't think I could eat eight.