Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Do as I do, not as I say -- observance often tells me more.

You need three things in the theatre - the play the actors and the audience and each must give something.

It is a governing principle of nature, that the agency which can produce most good, when perverted from its proper aim, is most productive of evil.

Do you know the hallmark of the second-rater? It's resentment of another man's achievement.

If I only had the chance, I'd ask one to dance, and I'd be dancing with myself.

I've always been fairly reserved and laid-back.

To make anything a habit, do it; to not make it a habit, do not do it; to unmake a habit, do something else in place of it.

You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.

So my idea of neurotic is spending too much time trying to correct a wrong. When I feel that I'm doing that, then I snap out of it.

When people are blessed they discover that their lives matter, that there is something in them worthy of blessing.