Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Nothing outside of yourself can prevent you from achieving all of your hopes, dreams and desires….

When life is tough or even unbearable and we want to give up, God will send us a partner to help us make the journey - 1 Kings 19 & Luke 1:39 - 56

Professional life is like a fire hydrant. You spend all of your time putting out fires and standing your ground against the big dogs.

The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.

I sort of feel like people are not that honest about their own parenting. Take any teenage household; tell me there is not yelling and conflict.

That's when the great stuff happens, when you're not checking yourself all the time, being critical of yourself and what other people are doing.

Have a go-to pump up song. Mine is Shakira's 'Waka Waka' from the 2010 World Cup (don't judge). Play it only when you're ready to turn into your most badass self.

I don't want to die, really. I'm interested in what happens next, so I've got to keep on.

I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more.

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there.