Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Within you, within all human beings, is a seed of greatness that makes their kind quake with fear.

Service, it seems, is the only antidote to existential frustration.

When I went into Bobby's World, I had no idea it would be a success. I had been doing the Bobby voice as part of my nightclub adult act for years.

Take a portion of wit, And fashion it fit, Like a needle, with point and with eye: A point that can wound, An eye to look round, And at folly or vice let it fly

Compassion is easily forsaken in the midst of prosperity, even when this prosperity is God given.

I don't have a day job, so I read any time of day.

Even if I thought he as perfect for her." She turned to face him. "What were we thinking?" "We weren't," he said. "We were in love.

In my case such an expression as 'to be fallen for' or even 'to be loved' is not in the least appropriate; perhaps it describes the situation more accurately to say that I was 'looked after.

There is no life without sport and no sport without competition.

You take my house when you do take the prop That doth sustain my house; you take my life When you do take the means whereby I live.