Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

What is the point of our lives? There isn't any. I can't seem to decide how much horror and how much joy lies within that simple truth, but I know it is both of those things at once.

The horizon is an imaginary line that recedes as you approach it.

There. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get a scar! That's what you want, isn't it?

I began by telling the President that there was a cancer growing on the presidency, and if the cancer was not removed, the president himself would be killed by it.

You have to be very rich to afford Labour, with 66 tax rises since they came in power.

Peace is non-resistance, complete acceptance, identification with all, everyone, everything.

Ubiquity is the new exclusivity.

When the moonlight and the waterfall come together, all other things fade from the scene!

If people are not laughing at your dreams at least once a week, you are aiming too low!

The ear tends to be lazy, craves the familiar and is shocked by the unexpected; the eye, on the other hand, tends to be impatient, craves the novel and is bored by repetition.