Progress: The process whereby the human race has got rid of whiskers, the vermiform appendix and God.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

So far he’d been there for three hours, hadn’t gotten a thing done, was heading out for a free lunch, and was getting paid for it. Jobs were awesome.

Except for the woman, nothing interests the eye of the American man more than the automobile, or seems so important to him as an object of esthetic appreciation.

Whatever men attempt, they seem driven to overdo. When hopes are soaring, I always repeat to myself that two and two still make four.

At any appearance, I make sure that before the person takes a pic and runs away, that I make contact. All I can do is give that little bit of me, the kickback is miraculous.

There are two ways to look at most problems... 'Oh Crap!' or, 'Good Information!,' and our choice will give us good information on how to deal with problems in the future.

I am grandiose because I live a grandiose life; what’s wrong with that?

An inadequate chief executive officer's time at the top is always too long no matter how short.

Difficult" and "impossible" are cousins often mistaken for one another, with very little in common." (Locke Lamora to Requin)

Yesterday's corporations visibly cannot meet today's economic challenges.