Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

it's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce that counts.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.

In this world of gossip, a good listener is rarer than a great orator.

Precision about language can be really, really annoying. It can make you miss the point of what the other person is saying altogether.

I have a message for all of you. The crime and violence that today afflicts America will soon - and I mean very soon - come to an end.

All markets have boom and bust cycles, and I think venture capital market has even more exaggerated boom and bust cycles.

We cannot have foreign governments interceding in our elections.

In my view, a political vision is not a grab-bag of discrete problems and solutions. It is the visionary anticipation of a direction.

Pour out wine till I become a wanderer from myself; for in selfhood and existence I have felt only fatigue.

Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.