Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

A man is virgin if he says so.

Diamonds are only lumps of coal that stuck to their jobs.

Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.

For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.

If we took as much pains to be what we ought, as we do to deceive others by disguising what we are; we might appear as we are, without being at the trouble of any disguise.

If you think of standardization as the best that you know today, but which is to be improved tomorrow; you get somewhere.

God does not delight in our sufferings. He brings only that which is necessary, but He does not shrink from that which will help us grow.

Fashion does seem to have a 20s comeback every few seasons, and I completely see why. Its a very feminine look: the fabrics and the shapes are very pretty and distinctive.

God cannot be seen, but He can listened to and spoken to!

I am the mother of a 6-year-old now, so that's changed my entire perspective.