RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

The greatest men stand on their values and pray on their knees.

If love wants you; if you've been melted down to stars, you will love with lungs and gills; with feathers and scales; with warm blood and cold.

The boy is not governed by don't, but is led by do.

Americans who value freedom had better be more concerned about the gun control crowd than the criminals. The criminals want your money. The Neo-Totalitarians want your freedom.

Women are beginning to feel that they are not fairly represented. As we say, 2% may be fine for fat in milk, but not for the United States Senate.

Many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy. It is the cause of untold misery and unhappiness, as well as of disease.

I have given up considering happiness as relevant.

I also liked Daniel Craig. He's not like any other Bond. So we'll see. In 10 years I might be cursed for doing it, but I'm very grateful for what it has done for me.

The Red Army is like a furnace in which all captured soldiers are melted down and transformed the moment they come over.