Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Never try to lock the virtue’s door with the key of viceIt may lock forever

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

John Milton called his school Christ College 'a stony-hearted stepmother'. The ultimate goal of the educational system is to shift to the individual the burden of pursuing his education.

If you are as happy my dear sir on entering this house as I am in leaving it and returning home you are the happiest man in this country.

The people who matter will recognize who you are.

Anything that you might want to be is around somewhere. You can become it. You just have to get into the state of mind that allows that to occur.

Terrorism is you winning hearts and minds of people.

Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.

I'm a sucker for a guy with a big organ.

The generations of men run on in the tide of time, but leave their destined lineaments permanent for ever and ever.