Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

Ten minutes of meditation a day, keeps the psychiatrist away.

In order to know the Truth, you have to be out of your mind.

Every user needs a loser, every winner is an intrusion.

Concentrate on something useful. Having decided to achieve a task, achieve it at all costs.

In mysticism we deal with dreaming and the fields of perception.

Getting countries working together was my job every day as your secretary of state.

Maybe he [Bernie Sanders] still thinks about the Democratic Party as the party of the New Deal.

Always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody says distract you from your goals.

As long as you learn something from a loss, it's not really a loss.

When you gone to get married? You need to have some babies. It’ll settle you.' 'I don’t want to make somebody else. I want to make myself.