Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The only person to blame for your situation is you.

I love the tradition of changing gowns throughout the reception. I know it's a little extravagant, but why not - it's your moment.

Being a Christian is not a political orientation for the president, but he is a centrist.

The Sphinx-riddle. Solve it, or be torn to bits, is the decree.

I'd always felt very strongly in the power of vocation.

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them.

Avoiding a bathtub because your parents tried to kill you in one isn't the same as avoiding your entire life by becoming a wolf.

Sit down and read. Educate yourself for the coming conflicts.

It's just the way things are. And you can't dwell on what might have been. You have to look at what is.

I will through and through Cleanse the foul body of th' infected world, If they will patiently receive my medicine.