Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

You are nothing but trouble.”

The more I speak the more I make mistakes so. I speak less and listen more

only the gentlest hands can brush away tears

Love is patient. Love is kind. It bears all things. Love never fails. Love is as strong as death.

I must confess that most modern mysticism seems to me to be simply a method of imparting useless knowledge in a form that no one can understand

Knowledge slowly builds up what Ignorance in an hour pulls down.

You'd think that sweet would be a land far, far away from irritating, but as it turns out they're right next door, and always having border disputes.

I really care about my friends and I think I'm kind of the person who would be rounding up all the friends. I'm always getting everyone together.

My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers.

I was one of the richest rappers in 2008. But it was definitely a strange feeling.