Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud. And yet it is not a particularly funny name.

I believe in the separation of church and planet.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have.

Life took over 4 billion years to evolve into you, and you've about 70 more years to enjoy it. Don't just pursue happiness, catch it.

Never do things for money. It's always the things you do for love that turn out to pay the best.

Life has a very simple plot: first you're here and then you're not.

I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.

Respect everyone if you want to be respected.

The tiniest of actions is always better than the boldest of intentions

Speak not against anyone whose burden you have not weighed yourself.

The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.

Railway termini are our gates to the glorious and the unknown

A helping word to one in trouble is often like a switch on a railroad track-an inch between wreck and smooth-rolling prosperity.

I liked this girl in my sixth grade class. I dared her to kiss me -- but she didn't!

I think the major good idea in Unix was its clean and simple interface: open, close, read, and write.

Today Christians spend more money on dog food then missions

I didn't want to be a fashion designer, and for a good half of my career I didn't like it. I always wanted to do other things.