Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

....because of all the things in this world that can hurt you and knock you down, I will never be one of them.

You hear me, don't ever let anyone kill the spark inside you. No matter what.

Grammar is the logic of speech even as logic is the grammar of reason.

I am not afraid of the pen or the scaffold or the sword. I will tell the truth whenever I please.

I've been into fashion since birth. I grew up in the 'hood, and everybody in the 'hood wants to compensate for being in poverty, so they want to look good to keep themselves up.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

Morality is character and conduct such as is required by the circle or community in which the man's life happens to be placed. It shows how much good men require of us.

Every hour spent on the Caine was a great hour in all our lives-if you don't think so now you will later on, more and more.

Originality exists in every individual because each of us differs from the others. We are all primary numbers divisible only by ourselves.

As sure as God made black and white, what's done in the dark will be brought to the light.