Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You are the creator of your world.

Having a child, that's always been my biggest fear. I want a child and I fear a child.

American government is like a train on a track. You have the people on the left shouting you have the people on the right. But the train's on track. They just keep ploughing ahead.

The word of Sin is Restriction

What raises great poetry above all else--it is the entire person and also the entire world.

The amount of customers who take pictures before they eat is insane.

Most companies spend all their time looking for another management concept and very little time following up the one they have just taught their managers.

I loved my boarding school, but I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't have a career.

You can either blame everybody else or you can take a look at yourself and determine where you can improve.

It is not enough to want to make the effort... it's in the doing, not just the thinking that we accomplish our goals.