Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

You can choose love or hate…I choose love.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

Normally I sit there in the films really hating watching myself. Loving watching the films, hating watching myself.

In America, we are living in a country where the deep economic problems have not been solved and arguably, in many cases, haven't been addressed.

The world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existence.

I seemed so different from other kids; I grew up in church and felt a connection with God, and a lot of kids my age really didn't understand that.

I always imagined that I would learn something each time that I would take to a new project, then I realized that each new project poses a completely different challenge.

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.

Humans become angels on earth, not in heaven.

Farewell, farewell! but this I tell To thee, thou Wedding-Guest! He prayeth well, who loveth well Both man and bird and beast.