Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Regrets are about decisions that you know you should have done different.

You’re not supposed to be in a relationship because it’s comfortable, it’s supposed to be because they make you a better person.

The only people in the whole world that Salim loved had been killed by the virus that traveled to America in his own blood.

When I'm working, I'm not so much disciplined as obsessive. I have this feeling that I need to clear everything away and get this down.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Impressed force is the action exerted on a body to change its state either of resting or of moving uniformly straight forward.

Being right is less important to us than the freedom to be wrong.

As I've said before and I've said it in the past.

Love is an image of God, and not a lifeless image, but the living essence of the divine nature which beams full of all goodness.

Nakedness of what you do is exactly who you are, and that's how it should come across.