Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

A restless human heart always seeks to increase personal understanding and works to attain excellence.

I know less than you thought, but more than you realize.

Fire consumes, but cold preserves.

The greatest political storm flutters only a fringe of humanity. But an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children literally alter the destiny of nations.

There is nothing more wonderful than freedom of speech.

No matter how hard you dance, not everyone will clap

If you cannot stand a spoon upright in the cup, then the coffee is too weak.

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?

I learned a lot in the Minor Leagues, spending six years there. I honed my skills, as far as coaching goes. I was able to work with the players in a lot of facets of the game.

Yes, I am a failed playwright. I had three shows on Broadway by the time I was 30. They all flopped, and I fled.