Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

I think you can be an enemy of Saddam Hussein even if Donald Rumsfeld is also an enemy of Saddam Hussein.

My Christmas wish would be to have an entire week off. To spend it with my family and just curl up and watch Christmas movies when it's snowing outside.

They carry back bright to the coiner the mintage of man,The lads that will die in their glory and never be old.

Total freedom from error is what none of us will allow to our neighbors; however we may be inclined to flirt a little with such spotless perfection ourselves.

People speak with enormous pomposity and arrogance about music.

Neither nature, experience, nor probability informs these lists of 'entitlements', which are subject to no constraints except those of the mind and appetite of their authors.

There will be water if God wills it.

Apparently, the fossil-fuel industry's strategy is to convince the American people that we should just burn all the way through the last of our oil and coal reserves.

Success is not something you get out of what you do.