Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Wisdom comes from reflection.

Boat.Toby.1pm.Shit!

If you read fast and read all, maybe some of the sand will stay in the sieve.

To succeed, one must be creative and persistent.

Personally, I would say the 'master' of this whole thing is fate... Whoever is on the playing field is fair game, and it's up to them to avoid being used.

When a writer admits that he has an affection for something which he has written, it is high time to pray for his soul.

The Inuit say that the stars are holes in heaven. And every time we see the people we loved shining through, we know they're happy.

Do the unexpected. Take 20 minutes out of your day, do what young people all over the world are dying to do: vote.

I do think about The Flash often. I think that could be a really fun role to play at some point. That's right up my alley. I just want somebody to believe in me that I could be a Superhero.