Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Socialism is not a meritocracy. By definition it places increasingly confining restraints on those that succeed the most.

Why do anything unless it is going to be great?

I love English girls! I adore all their different accents. Who knows, I could find a British girlfriend on my travels!

The first time you quit, it's hard. The second time, it gets easier. The third time, you don't even have to think about it.

Regarding the debate about faith and works: It's like asking which blade in a pair of scissors is most important.

All that exists, exists in some amount and can be measured.

Any movement in history which attempts to perpetuate itself, becomes reactionary.

Look, at the end of the day people have to respect people's differences. I am different than some people would like me to be.

Id been bumming around in bands since my school days.

Music alone can take you to the Highest!