Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven't seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Time in the most powerful thing.Not money, not power, not hope.A person can have everything theydesire but without time they are, all useless.

Abused as we abuse it at present, dramatic art is in no sense cathartic; it is merely a form of emotional masturbation.

Every generation rediscovers and re-evaluates the meaning of infancy and childhood.

How can you know God if you don't know your big toe?

I thought that people should know about the dangers of Satanism, and diabolism does exist - there's no question about it.

Hearing is a form of touch. You feel it through your body, and sometimes it almost hits your face.

Perception rules the world. Everyone knows that. Where we live and where we're from, you just can't escape it.

I was shy. I was more than shy.

The idea of selling is a projection that people create about people that is more of a reflection of who they are than what is actually happening in front of them with the artist.

In their seeking, wisdom and madness are one and the same. On the path of love, friend and stranger are one and the same.