Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There is one who kisses and the other who offers a cheek.

Peace and not war is the father of all things.

I guess I'm odd-looking. I'm skinny. But I'm not only skinny - I'm oddly shaped.

We are all consumers and should all be producers.

When you hear designers complaining about the challenge of their profession, you have to say: don't get carried away-it's only dresses.

Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one's conquests.

I want feelings to be expressed, to be open, to be natural, not to be looked on as strange. It's not weird if you feel deeply.

We're all called. If you're here breathing, you have a contribution to make.

Grace is that thing that shows up to guide you when you've done the first two steps and you're intent on doing something larger than just yourself. That's when all of the sudden things are great.

Do not give dalliance too much rein; the strongest oaths are straw to the fire in the blood.