Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Nor should failure be considered a total loss.

Perhaps it is controlling the chaos within more than the chaos without.

In my case, my mother had to be my mother and father, so I am thankful to her.

A lot of people seem to want to make the institution of marriage substitute for a real relationship.

Every book for me is an exorcism in some way or another, working through my feelings at the time.

In fact, a sense of essence is, in essence, the essence of sense, in effect.

If you’ve got the comedy eye, you can look at any situation and see the humor in it while others don’t.

If you can't say yes, it's no. Don't sugarcoat it. Don't talk yourself into yes just to seem like a nice guy. No one ever went broke because he or she said "NO" too often.

Nature has no human inhabitant who appreciates her.

I like to know what the gestation of the idea is, I like to know the foundation, and I do a lot of reading and research.