Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch...

The only jobs kids have are to do well in school, to be charming and polite, and be thankful. That's it. I'll house you, protect you, I'll even give my life for you, and in return, you will behave.

My only genius talent is inquisitiveness.

A sane mind should not be guilty of a logical fallacy, yet there are very fine minds incapable of following mathematical demonstrations.

I never had a single conversation about politics with Ross Perot in my life; still haven't.

the blessings of matrimony, like those of poverty, belong rather to philosophy than reality.

When I reach to the edge of the universe, I do so knowing that along some paths of cosmic discovery, there are times when, at least for now, one must be content to love the questions themselves.

I see BOLD accessories as a woman's armor.

Faith is like the hand of the beggar that takes the gift while adding nothing to it.

I've been indicted for rules that don't even exist.

Tell the truth through whichever veil comes to hand - but tell it.