Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Each day is a gift

To change undesirable behaviors we see in the world, we must change the thinking that leads to those behaviors.

Earthly things will pass away. They will pass away and what will be left is my Savior.

The ultimate question of who we are is set before us at all times and answered with every action.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

Sin will be always acting, if we be not always mortifying, we are lost creatures.

What kind of man refers to himself as safely dead?

To me, America is just another market.

You have a Happiness Switch in you that you can switch on at any time. All you have to do is stop switching it off in order to blackmail yourself or others.

I've always just wished that maybe someday people would care about the words that I wrote.