Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint

Archaeology digs the Bible’s grave.

I knew that the Name was still with him, animating his soul, even as his body failed.

Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump you may be freeing him from being a camel.

There's nothing wrong with the fashion industry. What's wrong is changing yourself for something you don't really care about just to get somewhere faster.

I'm definitely not the most graceful person out there. I've always been taught to play hard. I don't know how not to play hard. But for some guys it just looks easier. For me, it's not that natural.

There are many ways to drown, only the most obvious wave their arms as they're going under.

I had a solo career before Van Halen. My fan base filtered through Van Halen with me and came right on out the other side with me.

Shall we ever live to see the following wise prohibition - the audience is forbidden to smoke and the masters are forbidden to 'smoke out' the audience by playing exchanging variations?

To date, the enterprise of thinking has moved us radically away from understanding anything.