Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The world has yet to see what God will do with a man fully consecrated to Him

You can't pick and choose which types of freedom you want to defend. You must defend all of it or be against all of it.

You can get an idea of human nature only when you can see the relationship of the individual human being to the whole cosmos.

I am committed to working with Speaker Hastert and the other members of the Illinois congressional delegation to do all that I can to ensure that Illinois' funding needs are adequately met.

The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show.

If you buy a DVD you have a copy. If you want a backup copy you buy another one.

Sexuality poorly repressed unsettles some families; well repressed, it unsettles the whole world.

Advising Mrs. Harris was the least I could do," David said smoothly. "After all, she was the one who brought me and my late wife together.

As someone who worships music, I believe it can never be ugly!

If you ask for an opinion, expect to receive one, and don't make fun of it.