Right now, America looks like a fatheaded, shortsighted, gas-guzzling arrogant blowhard to the rest of the world.

Good memories are like charms...Each is special. You collect them, one by one, until one day you look back and discover they make a long, colorful bracelet.

Your mind creates your reality. If you expect nothing, you open up the universe to give you options. If you expect the worst, you usually get it.

A friend of mine once defined love as finding someone you can talk to late into the night

Some poeple just don't have what it takes to appreciate a cookie.

Oh great. Yoda captured us.

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

They call me, The Sharkalator

At that moment I had no mind to change, or not change, or throw against the nearest wall.

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

I had to give him props, but how annoying of him to be a hero when I was trying so hard to dislike him. It was downright selfish.

Have you noticed, " said John, "how countries call theirs 'sovereign nuclear deterrents, ' but call the other countries' ones 'weapons of mass destruction'?

Why do you suppose I’m here?” I asked him. Angel. A thirteen-year-old departed gangbanger. “Just ’cause you’re supposed to be, I guess.

Keep being crazy. Keep being loud. Be yourself. Because the only thing you have in your life is yourself and your friends.

As a child, I was a brat, and my parents didn't know how to control me. So they told me ghost stories, which stayed with me. I am still petrified of darkness and being alone.

Travel around the world is amazing. New people. New-found family, really.

Review your work. You will find, if you are honest, that 90% of the trouble is traceable to loafing.

In 10 sessions you'll feel the difference, in 20 you'll see the difference, and in 30 you'll have a new body

You can see the walls roar See your brains on the floor Become God Become cripple Become funky

The generous giver, demonstrating the nature of God by his behavior, can never outgive God.

You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me