Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Life is like a storm. At its worst, it's full of blinding fury, rage, and destruction. However, at its best, it is full of striking beauty and wonder.

You may not able to hear the song of your heart but the universe can.

Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.

Of the two hundred bones in the human body, more than a quarter are in the foot. It is a more complicated instrument than an automobile transmission, and it is treated with far less consideration.

You gotta learn how to take a compliment, because I'm not going to stop making them.

Do something useful and you will have everything you want. Doors are shut for those who are dull and lazy; life is secure for those who obey the law of work.

My contribution to the world is my ability to draw. I will draw as much as I can for as many people as I can for as long as I can.

Everybody goes through rough things in their lives, us included. The best advice we can give is to never give up, and always believe in yourself because when you do that, anything is possible.

I'm addicted to women. Believe me, as Shaggy, after every concert, there's drawers that are dropping.

The happiest is the man who is not at all selfish.