RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

He wounds but he heals.

Love is just a mask. All we search is a Comfort, Acceptance. Consolation. Affirmation. Assurance. Indulgence. Isolation. Absolution and Remission.

Yet, the main issue is not the shaping of the minds by explicit messages in the media, but the absence of a given content in the media.

I don’t know about birds nor do I know the history of fire. But I believe that my solitude should have wings

When you can't think of anything else, photograph graffiti, nudes, or plants.

But I killed you,” Alyss said. “Did you?” Red turned to The Cat. “Why wasn’t I informed?

There is no feeling, perhaps, except the extremes of fear and grief, that does not find relief in music,--that does not make a man sing or play the better.

What's the point of getting up in the morning unless you're gonna have an adventure? As the moments of our life are ticking away you have to be aware that it needs to be an adventure

I can only gesture at what makes a story good.

Banking gives you a glimpse into what makes companies succeed and what makes companies fail.