Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

A sincere decision to make is to refuse to give up until the society experiences the defeat of every form of injustice and ungodliness.

Cause and effect are rarely directly related. Justice has a mind of her own.

I want you to know how I feel about my Italian heritage so I'd like to say a few words in Italian: Verdi Pavarotti DiMaggio Valentino De Niro Giuliani. . .

Anyone who says there isn't pressure to look good as an actor in L.A. is lying.

What I don't want to do is just play for the sake of playing.

Inflation makes the wealthiest people richer and the masses poorer.

Don't worry about finding your soul mate. Find yourself.

Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not? I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t.

See me in that new thing, bums is gaggin

People turn into fools when they see a movie star and do weird things.