San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

It takes a great deal of courage to stand alone even if you believe in something very strongly.

When you feel deep change in your heart, you must understand that there is a lack of an old and righteous company.

Work is hard. Distractions are plentiful. And time is short.

There's no anger ever in a spiritual. There's always the dream of a hope of a better day coming. That God understands the troubles that I'm experiencing.

You'd be surprised how many people want to hang an electric chair on their living-room wall. Specially if the background color matches the drapes.

Vision is the ability to see God’s presence, to perceive God’s power, to focus on God’s plan in spite of the obstacles.

Sorry,” he said, his voice thick and gruff. “It’s morning and you’re sitting on me. That’s a combination meant to bring any man down.

we still have the Chrysler Building and the Empire State Building and the Woolworth Building, but it just seems like part of the nature of New York, that it's always shifting.

I assure you that the training that you get in a midget, in a sprint car and perhaps in a Silver Crown car is really the kind of experience that makes you into a damn good race driver.

Errors flies from mouth to mouth, from pen to pen, and to destroy it takes ages.