Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

[HAMILTON]I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

When you reach out to those in need, do not be surprised if the essential meaning of something occurs.

But Quinn held the fuzzy handcuffs in his hands, looking them over closely, and he smiled. “Oh, hey, did you want to keep these for when your invisible boyfriend returns from his fake vacation?

Enjoy this moment, this moment is your precious life.

The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good in our own way so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs or impede their efforts to obtain it.

If I want to travel with my family I have to purchase 7 airline tickets.

Terry Southern is the illegitimate son of Mack Sennett and Edna Saint Vincent Millay.

Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.

There is nobility in the struggle, you don't have to win.

What is important is that we have the ability to create.