Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

Mother Earth allows us to live and to walk on her surface, not the other way around.

Can you imagine a waveless ocean while there is a big storm outside? And that calm ocean is the ocean of wisdom!

Our ports are owned by local governments who are responsible for the ports. It is the Coast Guard and Customs that provide security. The federal government will never outsource our security.

Certain springs are tapped only when you're alone.

A lot of people write books not at the end of their career. Why you gotta wait until then? When you're momentum's going, that's when people really want to get to know about you.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

One is oneself a fine consequence.

A life without impact and contribution is a very empty life, so use your life to make the world better.

I've always been interested in space and the idea of exploration in that area since I was a child growing up through the '60s.

I find it peculiar when people scoff at one bold idea, and yet they'll then turn over and watch a man travel through time in a police phone box.