Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

To be selected was an honor, and in respect of the family member chosen to run, families held feasts and gave away prized beaver coats, quilled tobacco bags and buffalo hides.

We are afraid of the enormity of the possible.

Beauty is in the eye of the Creator.

Introspection is a devouring monster. You have to feed it with much material, much experience, many people, many places, many loves, many creations, and then it ceases feeding on you.

Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion go hand in hand.

I remember that mathematicians were telling me in the 1960s that they would recognize computer science as a mature discipline when it had 1,000 deep algorithms. I think we've probably reached 500.

There are times when I catch myself believing that there is such a thing as something; which is separate from something else.

I should have blown this mic like I said I might Got the force of 20 men like a Jedi Knight.

Never worry about missing a field goal. Just blame the holder and think about making the next one.

In my belief, there's one spirit. I prefer to call it the Holy Spirit. I don't think it matters if you call it God or Allah or Jesus or Fred or David or too early in the morning or whatever.