Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It was the most amazing feeling in the world. to know that something right happened, and to know that it had happened not through luck or command but simply because it was right.

I did graduate with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering in 1948.

Don't forget until too late that the business of life is not business but living.

Nurses nurse and teachers teach and tailors mend and preachers preach and barbers trim and chauffeurs haul and parents get to do it all.

The theme of Death is to Poetry what Mistaken Identity is to Drama.

But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save me, oh, save me, from the candid friend!

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

What seems impossible one minute becomes, through faith, possible the next.

So I want to ask you a hypothetical question. My favorite kind. Next to rhetorical ones. I can nap equally well through either kind.