Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

People who truly live their lives don't have time to complain or judge others. They're too busy enjoying life and love and everything in between!

If the gods do decide to wipe us out, is it such a bad thing? Maybe we've earned a little annihilation.

Freedom works.

There is no such thing as an ugly woman - there are only the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.

I'm beginning to think [Ted] Cruz had a good convention, that if [Donald] Trump goes down, Cruz is pretty well positioned to be the Republican major figure in four, six or even within two years.

Speech is but the incorporation of thought.

Suddenly the staggering love bursts away from me like milk from a smashed glass.

Thinking is the highest form of leverage.

There is a technical term for someone who confuses the opinions of a character in a book with those of the author. That term is idiot.

A film should be an experience. You should feel something. It should motivate you to feel something.