Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

A spouse is someone you can live with

He was a stylist, not a thinker. He spent time trying to say things in as complicated a way as possible.

To be excited and at the same time satisfied; to desire and possess -that has been described somewhere as the wise man's idea of heaven.

The very existence of government at all, infers inequality. The citizen who is preferred to office becomes the superior of those who are not, so long he is the repository of power.

Talents are nurtured best in solitude, But character on life's tempestuous seas!

The Chinese economy is growing at the rate of 9 percent; the Indian economy growing at the rate of 8 percent - enormous I think opportunities for two-way flow of trade, technology and investment.

now that she realized she had been waiting for him—she did not like that.

I don't look at it like that's my rival and I have to beat her. It's more like, I have to ski this as fast as I can and the fastest of everyone out here and that's what I expect.

Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

I hate to lose but having the belt doesn't define who I am. It's how I live my life and what I put into things is what defines me.