Scott Walker's campaign slogan is 'Reform. Growth. Safety.' Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: 'Mexico. Money. Crazy.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

But time growing old teaches all things.

I've been the target of haters for so long, for so many years. Ever since I was a kid and I first started the show.

Once a gentleman, and always a gentleman.

A hero in one age will be a hero in another.

Nature designed us to be of good cheer.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

I think Oz is the type of show that makes you turn away in fear and in horror, so for a television show, thats pretty intense.

Still, it's clear that there are lots of people out there who are uncomfortable [about racism]. The Civil War was a long time ago but there are aspects of it that remain unsettled.

A novel usually takes me two years. A year to research and plan and dream. Then a year to write.

I came to realize this weird projection: you are much more passionate about hating something outside of you when you know that something is also in you.